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30 May 2009 @ 09:51 pm
I call to hang out with you,
you invited HER to come along.
Turn me into the third wheel,
Ditch me when you can
Yet I still consider you one of my best friends.

Should I just give up on you and do what I've been holding off on doing for a few weeks.
Did I mention your Ex boyfriend wants to date me?
Did I also mention I said no because I cherish our friendship that much?

Sorry I'm not as much fun as your other friend.
Am I too geeky for you?
Do you just prefer to abandon me or pretend your not with me because I'm not good enough for your time

Dick move susan,

You wanted to room with mwe in college yet you're pulling this shit?
I sort of want to smother you in your sleep.

Just a little.
30 May 2009 @ 09:13 pm

...for being my "closest friends", you really suck.
Moving out of state with your boyfriends? Mind you, I don't much give a shit, please don't flatter yourselves by thinking that's why I'm upset, no; but not mentioning it until it randomly comes up in casual conversation, then trying to laugh it off? 

Dick move.

Know what else is a dick  move? 

Not paying for ANY gas on the way home.
Yeah, I'd rather eat that $50 than have to beg you stingy jerks.

#2: Fuck you. Don't take the damn job if it's such a problem.
It's your fault you didn't  tell the interviewer what you REALLY needed.
They're not bloody mind-readers.
...and don't act so cocky. It's not like you actually did anything yet.

#1: The only gripe I have with you is the aforementioned-- that and the fact that, 90% of the time, I feel like you really and truly couldn't give a shit less about me. That hurts.
Especially since we've known each other 6+ years.
...am I really not even worth the courtesy of a: "By the way ____, I was considering moving, JUST SO YOU KNOW." 
I'd bloody tell you.

#3: Please, just shut up.
Quit judging everyone else.
They're the ones who are married and DON'T cheat on their spouse every time they go on a trip.
For that matter, they don't feel the need to travel half way across the world to get away from this horrid, horrid city. It's really not all that bad, and you were totally naive in thinking going back would do anything. I wager you're just going to bitch about being there now for months. Of course you will.
Don't flatter yourself with: "If they ever try and make up again I won't take their call." 
They won't.
You may not do everything you get blamed for-- but you know, you do enough to earn the accusation. So live with it.
At least they can talk about things that don't concern bashing other people, including friends.

I'm so fucking frustrated lately.
Thinking on things like this make me so glad to have friends who do actually care.

Glad I was smarter than putting all my eggs in one basket this time.



Current Mood: blahsad.
24 April 2009 @ 08:16 am
I don't want to die, I would never dare to hurt myself or others either..

but I keep thinking about suicide on a daily basis..
I think of different ways of dying...always.........

Current Mood: blahblah
26 March 2009 @ 05:15 pm
It feels so good to give up on our friendship. So right. So relieving. Sometimes the easiest path is the best one. I don't feel like trying to make it work. I'm happy just to drop it, say goodbye, and walk away.
I'm only twelve years old. Yet I feel and act older.
I'm only twelve years old, but I have a LiveJournal.
I'm only twelve years old, but I'm anorexic.
I'm only twelve years old, but I feel like I've already screwed my life up permanently.
I'm only twelve years old, but I still have clinical depression.

I am twelve years old. Just not on the inside.

(I'm sorry.)
04 February 2009 @ 01:54 am

i am married to an amazing man. he is my best friend, my lover, my companion.
he's been gone for months.
i found someone i adore, and i invited him to my place for... fun.
and i'm scared because i don't feel guilty or wrong, though i know i should.
it's awful. and i'm full of self hate, anger, and loneliness, but not guilt. not anything that i thought i should feel. maybe it will change after it has happened.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
17 January 2009 @ 11:05 pm
That informative, 'I know everything' voice. Ringing in my ears for half an hour now, telling me over and over again about how everyone's out to get you and how you'll fight it tooth and nail. And I think about how I used to fight too, and how the one time I should have been fighting I just cowered. Like a fool.

My taxi driver telling me that the phone companies are ripping him off, because he did an online IQ test, and entered his phone number for the result and was charged stupid amounts. I wanted to tell him that taking an online IQ test proves you're a fucking idiot, but I'd been raped not two hours earlier, and I didn't want to invite more violence into my life. I was afraid. Ashamed. My pride and ego wounded. Not to mention my body. I hurt all over. I just want to be home, sit in the shower and cry.

And I'm a hypocrite too. If it happened to you I'd tell you that it wasn't your fault, that there's nothing to be ashamed of and that we'd get the bastard. But there I was, holding it in and telling my mother 'no, everything's fine' and that I just want to sleep. Glossed over the details with my best friends. I'm supposed to be the strong, assertive one. I couldn't have them see that I was just as stupid I pretended not to be. And, it is stupid. Because it <i>was</i> my fault, and I <i>am</i> ashamed, and I could have stopped it and the next day instead of going to the police or to a centre I fretted over how to politely tell him never to contact me again. You know, because it's so important that your rapist doesn't think you're a bitch. I hate myself.

I went to work. Smiled. Did my job. Tried not to blink because every time I closed my eyes I couldn't breathe; an overwhelming pressure holding my chest to my spine, my brain screaming at me to say stop, to yell for help, and then another part trying to soothe me still, an evil little voice telling me it would be over soon enough and I could walk away. It's just sex, after all. Happens all the time. Saw a movie with friends. Laughed, enjoyed it. It was a good film. Nothing's really changed.

But I don't know how to define that 'nothing' is actually 'everything'. I'm not the person I thought I was. And to top it all off, I think some of my friends don't like me anymore for unrelated reasons and all I want to do is scream and cry and be held and told that it's good that this happened, because I will never be a victim again, never.

All I can think is; how could I have let this happen? Why can I fight so passionately when I am not involved at all, but when it comes to myself I am lost? That evil little poison again, creeping around my senses, telling me that it's for the best. That I deserved this. Better me than somebody else. I'm filthy; there's not enough soap in the world to clean this mess. I didn't want to say anything at all. But secrets rot you inside; I had to get it out. Please don't think any differently of me.

So yeah. That's why I've been weird lately. Don't say anything. Let me pretend everything's fine.
07 May 2008 @ 01:35 am

I know this isn't the right format, but come and visit my page. I need people to see my secrets.

I'm pretty new to livejournal, so forgive me if I'm doing this wrong.


01 May 2008 @ 08:23 pm